1 week of miracle

It has been a week since I arrived in Canberra. All I can say is that, time sure as hell pass really quickly. I've been waiting for this moment for so long, to finally be in the arms of the man I love and to feel the sense of peace and happiness when I walk out of the house each day.

I can't deny the fact that I miss KL miserably. I miss my friends, I miss the food, I even miss the way KL looks at nights, I miss the 'chill-ness' of everyone, and most of all, I miss my mummy. I miss her terribly. Yesterday, I broke down and cried, missing her and feeling so guilty for leaving her. I miss her laughter and how she annoys me when she storms into my room and sits on my bed and demand me to entertain her. I miss our mother-daughter talks and how she treats me as a friend. She is really the best mother in the world. *sob*

I'm getting married in less than 2 months. I'm so nervous and excited at the same time. I'm trying desperately not to freak out. I can't wait to be Mrs. Halliday. =) I love him so much, sometimes I just look at him and wonder how in the world I can be so lucky, to have found this wonderful man and fall madly in love with him and have him loves me back so much. I'm truly blessed.

Right now, I'm just trying to plan everything, from the wedding to looking for a new place to move to. I am just hoping and praying that everything will work out.

Last Night.

Last night in KL. Mixed emotions. Don't even know what I should be thinking, feeling or doing. Do I fall asleep, surrounded with the comfort of home, or should I stay awake, appreciating the things around me for the very last time.
The next time I'm back 'home', I won't have a home. I won't have this. I won't belong. I will be an outsider. A foreigner, a silly tourist trying to fit in.
I know the next time, it will never be the same. I can't help but to think this is all a mistake. My mum said it's cold feet. I'm feeling anxious, nervous, excited and scared at the same time and it's natural. Is it? Is it normal to feel this way?
Here I am, about to embark on the next life. My future, away from everything and everyone I know since I was born, and about to step foot into a cold, difficult phase of my life. Am I ready for this?
I am so frightened. Sometimes, I lay on my bed for hours, tossing and turning, not even thinking logically. Waves of emotions flooded through me and I get panicky. I sigh and moan, groan and cry. But after hours of that, things have not changed. I was still lying there, having a panic attack, feeling alone and ashamed of my own feelings. Is that natural?
Why am I so scared? I always wanted this, always knew I would never regret making this decision, but then I question myself. I have no answers for my own questions, I couldn't comfort myself or assure myself that 'Yes, it's the right and best decision.'
All I can do now is to pray and hope and do the best and wisest thing I can think of, just go along with it and work hard, save money, be independent, progress in life, be faithful, be loyal, be the best wife, the best daughter in-law, perhaps even one day, the best mother. That's the only thing I can pray and hope for.
I sincerely hope that's the best decision.
Life.
Life.
So complicating, or do we humans only make it complicating?
Is this fated? Is this my destiny? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me?
Fuck.
Why don't we just live our lives, the way we want it?
Why don't we just survive?
Why don't we just be happy?
Why don't we just live?

7 Wonders Anniversary

12th June 2010.

A wonderful celebration day.
Today marks the 10th year anniversary of my friends and my friendship's bond. We call ourselves the 7 Wonders. Throughout high school, college and now in the working world, we have been buddies and I never doubt for even once that our friendship will end.
Sure, we have been through some rough times, had some nasty patches, some were tearful, regrettable and backstabing moments, but there were plenty of wonderful, joyful times as well. More in fact, as we gotten much more matured.

So many things I'd like to tell them, but there were never time. I always thought I'd always have another day or time I can tell them how much I love them, appreciate all they've done for me and how they've been the best friends I've ever had and could ever ask for.

So, Jennifer, Cecile, Mei Wah, Mui Theng, Nicole, Shirley -----> I heart you all.

Today is also the day I celebrate my last clubbing night with my friends as a single woman. And 3 days from now, I'll grab my luggages, board that flight and fly to a place where I had finally found and love and be together with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I'll never regret coming back here, nor will I regret making the decision to move there. I know I will always remember my friends, and as much as I want to be with them, I know, in time I'll have to learn to let them go.

I guess I can say, I won't be who I am today, if it is not without those beautiful, annoying, frustrating, but amazingly awesome bunch of people in my life.

Thank you for making my life beautiful!!! ~

INsane

I never knew you could make me feel the way you do
How you can turn and twist my words around
And charm your way through
I never knew someone like you could make my heart skip a beat
How just a touch of your skin could make me twitch
You are everything I hate
The way you talk, the way you walk
And the way you act as a man
I hate how you hold me
Touch me, dance so close with me
And the way you whisper in my ears
You're the man I love to hate
And the man I hate to love
What can I do to stop thinking of you?
You're the devil who stole my heart
And broke it into two
What can I do
When everything I do, I think of you?
I need to find a way to get you off my mind
Before I go insane

The Reality of Making Mistakes

I guess the reality of it all doesn't get to you till you sit down, really think about it and then in a nano-second, your thoughts become blurry and you feel a twitch of pain, that cuts deep into your heart. The impact of the reality doesn't just walk up to you, knock on your door and present you with a flowery card. No.

It comes flying towards you and slaps you right in the face. And at that point, you can't do anything to stop it, except to panic and cry. Because seriously, how many of us can really block those thoughts away with a simple turn of a head?

We're all human. We all make mistakes. But what happens when you make a mistake that can change your life entirely? One mistake that can change all your plans, your hopes, your dreams? What if that mistake represents you and your life?

And sure, people say mistakes happen, and just DON'T DO IT AGAIN. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE. But, what if you can't? After all, isn't there another saying, "Once a thief, always a thief?"

Then, what if let's say, the mistake has been made, and you've managed to overcome it, what if it haunts you for the rest of your life? Can you imagine going through life, living a lie? Living the life of a cheater?

What do you do in situations like such? Do you shrug it off, have a freaking chocolate ice cream and watch the sunset, dream about diamonds and gold?

I'm just thinking, why do people make mistakes, which they know they will regret, and then of course, they later regret, when the sensible thing to do is not to do it in the first place, thus not having to regret about making the mistake?

Bob Marley rocks my socks!

I hate working.

I want to retire.

And travel around the world, sunbathing at the beach, with a glass of yummy pina colada, listening to bob marley and making love to my darling in the moonlight.

FML.

The Wedding Ring & My Best Friends

It's really happening now. I've bought my flight tickets, done my visa, and have been packing my things to be shipped over. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst out in laughter and tears. In nearly 2 months, I will be in Australia. With my *gosh* husband.

I love him so much. It has been so tough on us being seperated for so long. I wonder how in those days when the men goes away for war and leave their wives behind, how do they cope with it? And I talk to him everyday, online, sms and calls. I see him through webcam, we talk on skype, and on facebook. But how do people do it 30, 40 years ago? Writting letters now just seems so difficult and takes such a long time.

What would I do without technology? *shudders*

My little part time online boutique has been going quite ok. I've not been updating it regularly enough or even advertising or marketing it. Which is ironic, since I majored in Marketing and minored in advertising. And am doing marketing right now. Check out www.helpmegetridofthis.blogspot.com. I originally started it because I have SO many clothes that I hardly wear and since I'm moving, I should clear out my closet. Anyways, this gives me more reason to shop. LOL. But then I realized that I could eventually do a small part time business selling clothes. Why not? They're all out there. Heck, I'm one of them. I online browse so much, sometimes I think I have ran out of stores to browse.

I am sure going to miss my buddies. They've been there for me through thick and thin for so many years. We have been through a lot. Through our high school bitching, backstabbing, scratching high school phases, through our first boyfriends, through our first break-ups and heart breaks, through graduating from high school, through enrolling to college and through graduating from universities, through getting our first jobs, and now..here I am..the first one to wear the golden band. The wedding ring.

Sometimes I wonder what I will do without them? Wonders, if you're reading this..I want you to know, I love you guys so much. Whatever I have said and done wrong, I'm sorry and I hope that our friendship is strong enough for us to be friends forever. You are the friend I want and need for life. Without your support and friendship, I doubt I would be the person I am right now, or be who I want to be. Thank you for the years of friendship. Your honesty, your laughter, your jokes, your support, your encouragement, your shoulder to cry on, and just being who you are to me. I'll never forget our bond and will always treasure it, no matter where I am in this world. I really hope we will never lose this bond and will always be best friends, no matter where we all are. *muacks*

Online Shopping

The past few weeks have been really busy. I've been working hard in the office, drinking hard in bars, and shopping hard online. Literally stressed out right now from all the 'hardness'. (LOL) I'm addicted to online shopping. Not only shopping, but ONLINE SHOPPING. There. I said it. I've admitted it!

To all you people out there who shops online, watch out! You may think you're getting a great bargain going through all the online boutiques who promises you great quality, cheap prices and excellent services! They may be right, but what they didn't tell is, that you'll be HOOKED! Forever.

You won't stop spending hours after hours of browsing shops after shops, constantly screaming in your mind, "OMG!! I want THAT!", "I HAVE to have this, if not, I'll just DIE!!" or even the typical, "This is SO cheap, even though i don't really like it / can't fit into it, it's too cheap not to get it. I just have to get it, I'll wear it eventually / even if I have to lose like 20 pounds to fit into it."

Then the buying starts, but it NEVER stops! It's like a very natural thing to do when you're online, the first few things you'd do is check out the 'latest arrival' on your favourite online shops. And when you're not browsing for clothes online, you're constantly thinking and wondering if they have uploaded more clothes, and worrying if by the time you went online to check, the clothes would all be sold out coz it was too awesome not to be bought.

I've spent about RM500 on shopping, more than half of it on online shopping in less than 2 months. I kid you not. Am I feeling guilty? NO. Am I feeling happy about it? NO. I'm just stressed. When I'm stressed, I shop. A lot. When other people are stressed, they exercise, or clean the car, or listen to music, or blog..but me? When I'm stressed, I feel I need to spend money. Not good.

What do I do?

It's been a while since my last entry. Been really occupied and whenever I have some time off, I'd get so tired and lazy. So many things had happened in these few weeks. Parents have been back for a week now..and the house has been sold. So as one of the cars. Yes. It's fast. I'm getting more nervous yet excited. I'll sum it up by saying I'm feeling anxious.

I'm meeting with an Australian Agent tomorrow and I'm heaps nervous. I have no idea what to expect or know what I should say or ask. Tomorrow is basically the day that I will find out what my options are.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. A part of me thinks, 'Yes..I can do this. I love him. He loves me. We're two individuals who love each other and can't stand to be apart from each other. What is a marriage certificate for us to be together again? Besides, it will be so romantic and nice to finally settle down with someone I love so much.'

But then the other part of me is screaming and I have butteflies the size of a basketball flying around in my tummy. What if I can't stand the marriage life? What if I change my mind about being married? What if I suck at being a wife? Or a daughter -in-law? SOB.

What do I do??

EMO

I miss him so much, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about him and the times we've had together.
I find that life has been so cruel to me.

So unfair.