Last night in KL. Mixed emotions. Don't even know what I should be thinking, feeling or doing. Do I fall asleep, surrounded with the comfort of home, or should I stay awake, appreciating the things around me for the very last time.
The next time I'm back 'home', I won't have a home. I won't have this. I won't belong. I will be an outsider. A foreigner, a silly tourist trying to fit in.
I know the next time, it will never be the same. I can't help but to think this is all a mistake. My mum said it's cold feet. I'm feeling anxious, nervous, excited and scared at the same time and it's natural. Is it? Is it normal to feel this way?
Here I am, about to embark on the next life. My future, away from everything and everyone I know since I was born, and about to step foot into a cold, difficult phase of my life. Am I ready for this?
I am so frightened. Sometimes, I lay on my bed for hours, tossing and turning, not even thinking logically. Waves of emotions flooded through me and I get panicky. I sigh and moan, groan and cry. But after hours of that, things have not changed. I was still lying there, having a panic attack, feeling alone and ashamed of my own feelings. Is that natural?
Why am I so scared? I always wanted this, always knew I would never regret making this decision, but then I question myself. I have no answers for my own questions, I couldn't comfort myself or assure myself that 'Yes, it's the right and best decision.'
All I can do now is to pray and hope and do the best and wisest thing I can think of, just go along with it and work hard, save money, be independent, progress in life, be faithful, be loyal, be the best wife, the best daughter in-law, perhaps even one day, the best mother. That's the only thing I can pray and hope for.
I sincerely hope that's the best decision.
Life.
Life.
So complicating, or do we humans only make it complicating?
Is this fated? Is this my destiny? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me?
Fuck.
Why don't we just live our lives, the way we want it?
Why don't we just survive?
Why don't we just be happy?
Why don't we just live?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Last Night.
Last night in KL. Mixed emotions. Don't even know what I should be thinking, feeling or doing. Do I fall asleep, surrounded with the comfort of home, or should I stay awake, appreciating the things around me for the very last time.
The next time I'm back 'home', I won't have a home. I won't have this. I won't belong. I will be an outsider. A foreigner, a silly tourist trying to fit in.
I know the next time, it will never be the same. I can't help but to think this is all a mistake. My mum said it's cold feet. I'm feeling anxious, nervous, excited and scared at the same time and it's natural. Is it? Is it normal to feel this way?
Here I am, about to embark on the next life. My future, away from everything and everyone I know since I was born, and about to step foot into a cold, difficult phase of my life. Am I ready for this?
I am so frightened. Sometimes, I lay on my bed for hours, tossing and turning, not even thinking logically. Waves of emotions flooded through me and I get panicky. I sigh and moan, groan and cry. But after hours of that, things have not changed. I was still lying there, having a panic attack, feeling alone and ashamed of my own feelings. Is that natural?
Why am I so scared? I always wanted this, always knew I would never regret making this decision, but then I question myself. I have no answers for my own questions, I couldn't comfort myself or assure myself that 'Yes, it's the right and best decision.'
All I can do now is to pray and hope and do the best and wisest thing I can think of, just go along with it and work hard, save money, be independent, progress in life, be faithful, be loyal, be the best wife, the best daughter in-law, perhaps even one day, the best mother. That's the only thing I can pray and hope for.
I sincerely hope that's the best decision.
Life.
Life.
So complicating, or do we humans only make it complicating?
Is this fated? Is this my destiny? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me?
Fuck.
Why don't we just live our lives, the way we want it?
Why don't we just survive?
Why don't we just be happy?
Why don't we just live?
The next time I'm back 'home', I won't have a home. I won't have this. I won't belong. I will be an outsider. A foreigner, a silly tourist trying to fit in.
I know the next time, it will never be the same. I can't help but to think this is all a mistake. My mum said it's cold feet. I'm feeling anxious, nervous, excited and scared at the same time and it's natural. Is it? Is it normal to feel this way?
Here I am, about to embark on the next life. My future, away from everything and everyone I know since I was born, and about to step foot into a cold, difficult phase of my life. Am I ready for this?
I am so frightened. Sometimes, I lay on my bed for hours, tossing and turning, not even thinking logically. Waves of emotions flooded through me and I get panicky. I sigh and moan, groan and cry. But after hours of that, things have not changed. I was still lying there, having a panic attack, feeling alone and ashamed of my own feelings. Is that natural?
Why am I so scared? I always wanted this, always knew I would never regret making this decision, but then I question myself. I have no answers for my own questions, I couldn't comfort myself or assure myself that 'Yes, it's the right and best decision.'
All I can do now is to pray and hope and do the best and wisest thing I can think of, just go along with it and work hard, save money, be independent, progress in life, be faithful, be loyal, be the best wife, the best daughter in-law, perhaps even one day, the best mother. That's the only thing I can pray and hope for.
I sincerely hope that's the best decision.
Life.
Life.
So complicating, or do we humans only make it complicating?
Is this fated? Is this my destiny? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me?
Fuck.
Why don't we just live our lives, the way we want it?
Why don't we just survive?
Why don't we just be happy?
Why don't we just live?
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