What do I do?

It's been a while since my last entry. Been really occupied and whenever I have some time off, I'd get so tired and lazy. So many things had happened in these few weeks. Parents have been back for a week now..and the house has been sold. So as one of the cars. Yes. It's fast. I'm getting more nervous yet excited. I'll sum it up by saying I'm feeling anxious.

I'm meeting with an Australian Agent tomorrow and I'm heaps nervous. I have no idea what to expect or know what I should say or ask. Tomorrow is basically the day that I will find out what my options are.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. A part of me thinks, 'Yes..I can do this. I love him. He loves me. We're two individuals who love each other and can't stand to be apart from each other. What is a marriage certificate for us to be together again? Besides, it will be so romantic and nice to finally settle down with someone I love so much.'

But then the other part of me is screaming and I have butteflies the size of a basketball flying around in my tummy. What if I can't stand the marriage life? What if I change my mind about being married? What if I suck at being a wife? Or a daughter -in-law? SOB.

What do I do??

EMO

I miss him so much, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about him and the times we've had together.
I find that life has been so cruel to me.

So unfair.

Tough on the outside, soft in the inside.

I've been feeling kinda down lately. And people are beginning to notice. It's not that I want be or look down, I just can't be happy. I'm worried I might go through being depressed again.

Last Wednesday was awful for me. It happened again. The first big one since I got back. I was so afraid that I might do something that I would regret or even worst, hurt myself. It came and ended so suddenly, it made me feel like I was outside my body, looking at myself and then back all over again.

I just kept crying and crying and forcing myself to not get up from the couch because I knew if I did, I'd do almost anything to make it stop. To make it worst, I couldn't find my medication and I knew I was f*cked. I didn't have anyone to calm me down, it was like 2 in the morning and I didn't know what else to do except to cry and pray that the attack would stop.

I fell asleep right after that, exhausted from panicking and crying. I woke up with a terrible headache and felt like shit the whole day. But I managed to smile and act happy. My colleagues think I have sugar rush because I kept smiling and laughing and joking. If only they knew the truth.

Only the people closest to me would know and sense the sadness I'm actually feeling. It's hard, pretending to be happy when inside, you're really crumbling. But I know, sometimes it's better to pretend everything is fine.

I guess with everything that has been happening to me now really pushed me to the limit and because I didn't think or reflect on all those things while it was happening, it has now caught up with me and is telling my brains -"HEY FOOL!!! LOOK HERE!!! REFLECT ON THIS YOU MORON!"

I need a break. Or maybe some answers.

Maybe I just need to get away from here.

Everyone and everything.

The Pink Rock, Percy Jackson vs Harry Potter and Alice in F*cking Wonderland

It's 3.31 AM on a Monday morning and here I am yet again, unable to fall asleep even though I've been trying to sleep since 9.30 PM. But goodie, besides Facebook-stalking people and staring at the clock, I've watched two episodes of How I Met Your Mother and three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Man, I love those two series. What would life be without them? And then I watched The Tooth Fairy and Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

The Tooth Fairy was kind of...odd to me. It isn't something that you'd think someone like Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) to star in. The last film I've watched starring him was The Game Plan and it was also quite ...'different'. Let's just say that it is a movie you watch with your 5 year old kid on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It is a family movie after all and I didn't say it was bad, I just think it is a movie that is very unlikely I'll want to watch twice, considering I'm not 5. But trust me, the best part about the movie was seeing a full grown man in a bright pink fairy costume together with huge fury pink wings. That is enough to make you drop down from the pain of laughing. Overall, I'd rate it 4/10.

Now, Percy Jackson & Olympians: The Lightning Thief started out as a movie I thought I'd be bored watching but right after the evil looking creature flew across the hall, I knew I'd like this show. And it was a good movie. Loved the graphics and the light effects, though I can't help but to think it has a similar concept as Harry Potter. I feel this is the movie I'd love to watch with friends, and I do recommend watching it with your kids. It tells a story of friendship, honour, love and adventure. It isn't too 'threatening', so you wouldn't feel gory after watching it. Nevertheless, I there could be more things that could be done with the movie to make it more interesting. Overall, I'd rate it 6.5/10.

I'm waiting for the 11th March. And you all know what 11th March means?!!! ALICE IN WONDERLAND. YAYYYY!!! Alice in F*cking Wonderland yaalll!!! I can't wait!! Johnny Depp is so cute. I've managed to resist the temptation of reading any reviews or critics about the movie, because I want to have absolutely NO expectiations at all. I'm going to have so much fun watching Johnny Depp playing the Mad Hatter. And Anne Hathaway is so beautiful, she'd look amazing as the White Queen.

Well.

It's nearly 4 AM now, and I still can't sleep. I'm going to hate myself at work. Why do I always do this to myself? I always sleep all day on Saturday and then not sleep at all the night before work. Especially on Mondays. I swear, it's like a curse.

Gonna go re-watch more episodes of The Big Bang Theory and try to fall asleep.

Adios.

It's time the little birdy to fly away from the nest

Kinda in a shock right now..

Earlier this evening, Jen and I went to a bar at Taman Tun and were just chilling and talking when I got a phone call from my mum. She was sick and had a terrible sore throat and she started by saying that she and my dad loves me very much and needs me to listen very carefully to what she had to say. Of course, any other person would think of the worst so I started panicking with horrible thoughts going through my mind and then she said that they have bought a place in the States and will be migrating in September.

I didn't really know what to say except "uhuh...", and then she said that we would need to move out of the house by June into the condo. Then they'd leave in September and then what happens? What would I do, and where would I go? I always knew my parents would one day migrate to the States, they've been telling me since I was 14. And since last year, they've been really looking at houses and saving money for their migration. My mum did reassure me however, that they'd probably only migrate there next year or the following year. It's not like I'm planning to stay with my parents forever, but this is a little all of the sudden.

In my last post I mentioned that I have to start making plans to move to Australia and maybe this will help to motivate me even more, to give me that extra push and pressure to stop just dreaming of it but to actually do something about it. And Jen is right, this is really going to benefit me in the end. So, I should take it as a positive thing. Besides, I am really, really happy for my parents. They deserve this and it is about time they migrate out of the city life and to a more peaceful community with excellent health benefits, and just retire happily. Like Jen said, "It's time for the little birdies to fly away from the nest." Lol.

Maybe now Donnie and I can really start thinking about our future together. And who knows what happens then? The future holds an entire world of mystery that we'd all like to have a sneak preview of, but that's where the excitement is.

I don't want that life

It's been rather depressing and lonely lately. Since the parents left overseas for a holiday, I find myself doing noting much all day except zombie around the house and moan and groan about how pathetic my life really is.

I really feel that I'm really wasting my time here. I wake up and I look around me, and think to myself.."I hate the cupboard.", "I hate that clock.", "I hate this bed.", "I hate the annoying parquet floor that keeps coming out.", or "I hate this place."

I'm not being a diva or ungrateful for all the things that I have or were given to me. I do appreciate life and people who has always been there for me through thick and thin. But each day when I wake up, I get depressed and feeling nostalgic for the fact that I'm still here. I'm living a life which I don't want to live.

Spoken to a few people whom I think have had a lot of life experiences and I concluded that to actually be happy and be a better person, you have to be selfish in a certain extend in your life. If you're not selfish, you're only allowing other people to take advantage of you and with you out there pleasing everyone else, you're only going to forget about yourself and your needs, and then live a bitter, lonely and hateful life in the end.

I don't want that life.

If I really want to change it, I have to stop dreaming it, and actually start living it. And it all starts by making decisions that will lead me to that life.