Monday, March 15, 2010

Tough on the outside, soft in the inside.

I've been feeling kinda down lately. And people are beginning to notice. It's not that I want be or look down, I just can't be happy. I'm worried I might go through being depressed again.

Last Wednesday was awful for me. It happened again. The first big one since I got back. I was so afraid that I might do something that I would regret or even worst, hurt myself. It came and ended so suddenly, it made me feel like I was outside my body, looking at myself and then back all over again.

I just kept crying and crying and forcing myself to not get up from the couch because I knew if I did, I'd do almost anything to make it stop. To make it worst, I couldn't find my medication and I knew I was f*cked. I didn't have anyone to calm me down, it was like 2 in the morning and I didn't know what else to do except to cry and pray that the attack would stop.

I fell asleep right after that, exhausted from panicking and crying. I woke up with a terrible headache and felt like shit the whole day. But I managed to smile and act happy. My colleagues think I have sugar rush because I kept smiling and laughing and joking. If only they knew the truth.

Only the people closest to me would know and sense the sadness I'm actually feeling. It's hard, pretending to be happy when inside, you're really crumbling. But I know, sometimes it's better to pretend everything is fine.

I guess with everything that has been happening to me now really pushed me to the limit and because I didn't think or reflect on all those things while it was happening, it has now caught up with me and is telling my brains -"HEY FOOL!!! LOOK HERE!!! REFLECT ON THIS YOU MORON!"

I need a break. Or maybe some answers.

Maybe I just need to get away from here.

Everyone and everything.

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Monday, March 15, 2010

Tough on the outside, soft in the inside.

I've been feeling kinda down lately. And people are beginning to notice. It's not that I want be or look down, I just can't be happy. I'm worried I might go through being depressed again.

Last Wednesday was awful for me. It happened again. The first big one since I got back. I was so afraid that I might do something that I would regret or even worst, hurt myself. It came and ended so suddenly, it made me feel like I was outside my body, looking at myself and then back all over again.

I just kept crying and crying and forcing myself to not get up from the couch because I knew if I did, I'd do almost anything to make it stop. To make it worst, I couldn't find my medication and I knew I was f*cked. I didn't have anyone to calm me down, it was like 2 in the morning and I didn't know what else to do except to cry and pray that the attack would stop.

I fell asleep right after that, exhausted from panicking and crying. I woke up with a terrible headache and felt like shit the whole day. But I managed to smile and act happy. My colleagues think I have sugar rush because I kept smiling and laughing and joking. If only they knew the truth.

Only the people closest to me would know and sense the sadness I'm actually feeling. It's hard, pretending to be happy when inside, you're really crumbling. But I know, sometimes it's better to pretend everything is fine.

I guess with everything that has been happening to me now really pushed me to the limit and because I didn't think or reflect on all those things while it was happening, it has now caught up with me and is telling my brains -"HEY FOOL!!! LOOK HERE!!! REFLECT ON THIS YOU MORON!"

I need a break. Or maybe some answers.

Maybe I just need to get away from here.

Everyone and everything.

No comments:

Post a Comment